Sunday, May 22, 2016
Prickly Heat
When
the girl came back home to bury her mother that summer, Roger knew there would
be trouble. In some low-lying part of his brain, he had always dreaded the
moment he would let himself fall.
He’d tried to ignore the changes in the girl. Whenever she’d sidle up to him, he’d try not to smell the new sharpness inside her familiar fragrance. He’d tuck his mind into an innocent white place whenever she whispered in his ear, “Want some lemonade, Mr. Wilson?” her breath tickling the hairs along his neck. He’d imagine how her calves must look, standing on tiptoe like that. Her voice had a touch of whiskey in it when she’d hand him the sweating glass and say “This might cool you off some.”
The girl vandalized his senses with her too- wise eyes. Nights, when he ran his fingers over his wife, he wondered how much the girl could see or hear of him through the open window. He liked to think it was her harsh breathing he heard on the breeze, her desire ruffling the gauze curtains.
Since Jean couldn’t read his mind, things remained pretty calm between them. They didn’t get in each other’s way, and whatever she cooked him he ate, no complaints. After dinner they would take cold drinks out back and watch their daughter play badminton with the girl.
He’d tried to ignore the changes in the girl. Whenever she’d sidle up to him, he’d try not to smell the new sharpness inside her familiar fragrance. He’d tuck his mind into an innocent white place whenever she whispered in his ear, “Want some lemonade, Mr. Wilson?” her breath tickling the hairs along his neck. He’d imagine how her calves must look, standing on tiptoe like that. Her voice had a touch of whiskey in it when she’d hand him the sweating glass and say “This might cool you off some.”
The girl vandalized his senses with her too- wise eyes. Nights, when he ran his fingers over his wife, he wondered how much the girl could see or hear of him through the open window. He liked to think it was her harsh breathing he heard on the breeze, her desire ruffling the gauze curtains.
Since Jean couldn’t read his mind, things remained pretty calm between them. They didn’t get in each other’s way, and whatever she cooked him he ate, no complaints. After dinner they would take cold drinks out back and watch their daughter play badminton with the girl.
The girl would reach up, straining for the
shuttlecock, and flash a crescent of breast. She wore white shorts a size too
small. Roger hid his need behind dark glasses, watching the girls until the
fireflies came out. He watched until they were just rushing shadows.
One night, Roger rolled a gin-soaked ice
cube around in his mouth and said to Jean,
trying for some small talk, “Ever notice how this heat sucks its own
self dry, as soon as it’s done sucking up every other damn thing?” Jean’s eyebrows shot up quizzically. “It’s
called evaporation”, she drawled. Roger turned his chair away. “Don’t you think
I know that?” he snarled. It was becoming harder and harder to have any kind of
conversation with his wife.
There was a time when my life began the minute I came home to her, Roger thought. He remembered the way he used to rub up against her from behind without a word. She’d be stirring something at the stove, maybe humming a little. He’d nuzzle her salty neck and palm her breasts like puppies. She’d lose the rhythm of her stirring and Roger would whisper “Tell me a secret.” She always had something to say.
Now he was the one who had secrets to keep. He began to imagine them leaking out of his dreams like sorrow, and he worried about that. He obsessed about the girl day and night, and barely noticed the cold spot like a ghost that had sprung up between Jean and him.
There was a time when my life began the minute I came home to her, Roger thought. He remembered the way he used to rub up against her from behind without a word. She’d be stirring something at the stove, maybe humming a little. He’d nuzzle her salty neck and palm her breasts like puppies. She’d lose the rhythm of her stirring and Roger would whisper “Tell me a secret.” She always had something to say.
Now he was the one who had secrets to keep. He began to imagine them leaking out of his dreams like sorrow, and he worried about that. He obsessed about the girl day and night, and barely noticed the cold spot like a ghost that had sprung up between Jean and him.
Jean would often get up in the middle of
the night to shut the window. Probably it’s just the crickets, or else the rain
slanting in, Roger would tell himself. Maybe she’s got her own secrets,
something that explains the bags under her eyes and makes the worry lines come,
new ones every day now.
There were
two places in the house that Roger claimed: the old green La-z- Boy by the
fireplace in the living room, and the basement. As the summer wore on, the
living room seemed too public for him to drink and fantasize in. The good thing
about that room was the curtained window. All Roger had to do was push aside a
fistful of fabric and there he was in a waking wet dream: every week the girl
mowed her yard with one of the old push-mowers, and she did her job dressed in
bikini tops and cut-off jeans. Her dark ponytail switched behind her like a
question mark. Roger wished she would leave off the dark glasses once in a
while so he could get a clue. Did she know he was watching? Did she like
it?
Most nights, Roger was too buzzed to sleep. Besides, he didn’t trust himself to sleep beside his wife anymore. A couple of times she’d almost caught him: Whaddya thinking? she’d whispered once or twice, just as he’d begun to drift off. He’d felt a chill along the knuckles of his spine and his eyes flew open; relief flooded his body when he realized that he had not answered her question in words. There was no proof, not this time.
Most nights, Roger was too buzzed to sleep. Besides, he didn’t trust himself to sleep beside his wife anymore. A couple of times she’d almost caught him: Whaddya thinking? she’d whispered once or twice, just as he’d begun to drift off. He’d felt a chill along the knuckles of his spine and his eyes flew open; relief flooded his body when he realized that he had not answered her question in words. There was no proof, not this time.
So he began to spend more time in the
basement. He had an old chair down there with beer stains and tears in the
fabric that reminded him of lost freedom. Boy, if this chair could talk, he
thought, patting the grease stain his head had made so long ago, when he had
more hair.
He spent hours rummaging in the boxes of Christmas decorations, in his daughter’s old school projects, fooling with discarded appliances. Maybe I’ll fix this old radio or that broken TV, he thought. If I can find my tools, that is. If I’m not too drunk to see.
Jean never said a word about all the time Roger spent in the basement. Not a single look of reproach, nothing. It wasn’t the first time he had withdrawn from her, and she had learned to tough it out, knowing these periods would end, usually without warning. On the other hand, she didn’t wait up for him anymore, and she made sure she was asleep by the time he stumbled into bed. She kept the door shut tight, let him feel like an intruder whenever he let himself in.
Once in a while Jean approached him, as if on a dare. Her eyes would be all hard glitter, with no warmth, only a hunger in them. She stalked him, took him in pursuit of her own pleasure. When she licked his face and chest, Roger imagined she could taste the booze in his sweat and that she liked it. A man needs a drinking buddy, he thought. We used to have that much in common, anyway.
He spent hours rummaging in the boxes of Christmas decorations, in his daughter’s old school projects, fooling with discarded appliances. Maybe I’ll fix this old radio or that broken TV, he thought. If I can find my tools, that is. If I’m not too drunk to see.
Jean never said a word about all the time Roger spent in the basement. Not a single look of reproach, nothing. It wasn’t the first time he had withdrawn from her, and she had learned to tough it out, knowing these periods would end, usually without warning. On the other hand, she didn’t wait up for him anymore, and she made sure she was asleep by the time he stumbled into bed. She kept the door shut tight, let him feel like an intruder whenever he let himself in.
Once in a while Jean approached him, as if on a dare. Her eyes would be all hard glitter, with no warmth, only a hunger in them. She stalked him, took him in pursuit of her own pleasure. When she licked his face and chest, Roger imagined she could taste the booze in his sweat and that she liked it. A man needs a drinking buddy, he thought. We used to have that much in common, anyway.
He kept making it worse. Like the one
night when Jean mentioned their daughter would be spending the night with the
girl. She said it like an invitation. They could make love right there in the
living room. Roger could unfasten the long tease of buttons down the front of
her dress, excite all the little hairs of her still luminous skin, make her say
I love you until he believed those words were coming from his own mouth.
But on this particular night, Roger fumbled the ball. He said, “What? No badminton?” face crumpling in disappointment Jean would have had to be blind to miss.
There was no turning back, no place to go but to the basement. He had tried to call his words back, but the more he talked the worse it sounded. He took a chance, touched his wife; she swatted his hand away as if he were a bug. She stomped off to bed, and Roger knew that this time she would lock the door.
Roger always liked a burned bridge. Too much choice bothered him, made him feel guilty. You can get used to anything, he told himself. So the dingy basement with its bare bulb dangling over the beat-down chair suddenly looked comfortable and homey. He dragged a heavy box to one side of his chair, set down a pair of binoculars that must have belonged to his daughter on its surface. He tested it for stability, then carefully placed his old harmonica alongside it. There. All set. To hell with her.
Roger sat there for who knows how long. He watched the light cast odd shapes on the whitewashed walls, riveted as if he had been in a movie theater. He believed he’d mastered the art of being barely there. He tried to remember an old saying, something about all the bad stuff in the world being caused by man’s inability to stay quietly in a room by himself. But he couldn’t remember how it went exactly, and he knew very well how the gist of a thing was never really good enough.
The outside world settled itself down for the night. The crickets serenaded birds grown silent. Cars surged into driveways, doors slammed their goodnights, human voices echoed and decayed in the distance. The girls should be getting in about now, Roger thought. I better check on them.
He grabbed his binoculars and walked to the window unsteadily. He noticed how quiet he was trying to be, and it made him laugh. He cleaned the lenses on his shirt tail and brought the girl’s bedroom into focus. Jeeze, it’s like looking up her skirt or something, he thought. It made him whistle low in his throat, the sight of the girl on her frilly bedspread, extending her dancer’s leg, painting her toenails red. When the girl ran her hand over her leg as if it didn’t belong to her, Roger’s gut contracted. He squinted hard; watched how her dark hair surrounded her like smoke, how her smile dazzled the soft light. He watched until his eyes burned and his hands shook. I could use a drink, he thought.
But on this particular night, Roger fumbled the ball. He said, “What? No badminton?” face crumpling in disappointment Jean would have had to be blind to miss.
There was no turning back, no place to go but to the basement. He had tried to call his words back, but the more he talked the worse it sounded. He took a chance, touched his wife; she swatted his hand away as if he were a bug. She stomped off to bed, and Roger knew that this time she would lock the door.
Roger always liked a burned bridge. Too much choice bothered him, made him feel guilty. You can get used to anything, he told himself. So the dingy basement with its bare bulb dangling over the beat-down chair suddenly looked comfortable and homey. He dragged a heavy box to one side of his chair, set down a pair of binoculars that must have belonged to his daughter on its surface. He tested it for stability, then carefully placed his old harmonica alongside it. There. All set. To hell with her.
Roger sat there for who knows how long. He watched the light cast odd shapes on the whitewashed walls, riveted as if he had been in a movie theater. He believed he’d mastered the art of being barely there. He tried to remember an old saying, something about all the bad stuff in the world being caused by man’s inability to stay quietly in a room by himself. But he couldn’t remember how it went exactly, and he knew very well how the gist of a thing was never really good enough.
The outside world settled itself down for the night. The crickets serenaded birds grown silent. Cars surged into driveways, doors slammed their goodnights, human voices echoed and decayed in the distance. The girls should be getting in about now, Roger thought. I better check on them.
He grabbed his binoculars and walked to the window unsteadily. He noticed how quiet he was trying to be, and it made him laugh. He cleaned the lenses on his shirt tail and brought the girl’s bedroom into focus. Jeeze, it’s like looking up her skirt or something, he thought. It made him whistle low in his throat, the sight of the girl on her frilly bedspread, extending her dancer’s leg, painting her toenails red. When the girl ran her hand over her leg as if it didn’t belong to her, Roger’s gut contracted. He squinted hard; watched how her dark hair surrounded her like smoke, how her smile dazzled the soft light. He watched until his eyes burned and his hands shook. I could use a drink, he thought.
He held his glass in one hand; fooled with
his harmonica with the other. He weighed the glass against the instrument,
wondered which would better push down the urge to stand under the window all
night, longing for whatever that girl represented.
What about some old songs -- make out music? He tried a few tunes but only remembered the openings. That’s what I’m good at - beginnings. I get bogged down in the hot dry middle of things.
He surprised himself over the next few days. He got pretty good on the harmonica pretty quick. I thought this would be just one more thing to screw up, he thought. She can probably hear me over there, especially with the door wide open. Wonder how she likes it.
Some nights, when he failed to sink into the stupor that passed for sleep, Roger would take his harmonica out to the backyard and sit by the badminton net. There’d be a weak breeze and the sleepy chirping of a few birds irritated by headlights passing through. Sometimes when Roger began to play a little tune, a bird would answer back.
What about some old songs -- make out music? He tried a few tunes but only remembered the openings. That’s what I’m good at - beginnings. I get bogged down in the hot dry middle of things.
He surprised himself over the next few days. He got pretty good on the harmonica pretty quick. I thought this would be just one more thing to screw up, he thought. She can probably hear me over there, especially with the door wide open. Wonder how she likes it.
Some nights, when he failed to sink into the stupor that passed for sleep, Roger would take his harmonica out to the backyard and sit by the badminton net. There’d be a weak breeze and the sleepy chirping of a few birds irritated by headlights passing through. Sometimes when Roger began to play a little tune, a bird would answer back.
On one such sleepless, sultry night, Roger
heard a car with a bad muffler drive up next door. Probably that greasy little
bastard the girl calls her boyfriend, he thought. He strained to see over the
hedge that separated the two properties; he had tucked his harmonica into his
back pocket like a surprise for later. And then he caught a glimpse of the
girl, a red shoe dangling off her painted toes and the other foot pressed hard
against the dashboard. The girl’s giggles infuriated Roger--with his hands
fisted at his sides, the vein in his temple throbbing dangerously, he stood
there motionless, unable to move. Suddenly there was a threatening silence, the
kind that comes just before lightning strikes. By the time the girl’s angry cry
had penetrated Roger’s brain, the door had been slammed and the boyfriend was
burning rubber. Roger positioned himself under the girl’s window; he would be
able to tell how upset she was as soon as she turned on her light.
But the light didn’t come on, and Roger stayed rooted to the spot like some clueless Romeo. When he smelled cigarette smoke, he couldn’t identify its source. The girl’s voice, “Whatcha doin’, Mr. Wilson?” startled him. She stepped off the porch and showed herself in the moonlight.
Grateful for the dark, Roger could feel the flush start up in his face. He stammered a little as he tried to make a believable answer, something that would let him hang on to his dignity. “I was just looking at the stars when I heard you get in. Did something happen-?” She shuffled a step closer to him and replied, “Oh, you know-- it’s always the same with guys. They only want the one thing.” She sighed, scowled at her bare feet for a moment before brightening. “Want a ciggie? I’m supposed to quit so you gotta promise not to tell.” She held out her smokes to Roger. Maybe she’ll light it for me.. Maybe touch my hand. “Who would I tell?” he said softly. They smoked for a few minutes while Roger’s brain raced back and forth over an incoherent plan. Finally he blurted out, “Want to have a drink with me?” and she rewarded him with her wide-mouthed smile and a nod. Roger happily opened the door to his ‘apartment’ and mumbled, “Now you have to promise not to tell.”
The girl gushed, “Could this place be any cooler? You got all your necessaries and none of your aggravations.” Roger handed her a glass with a little gin in it. He watched her lap at the liquid like a cat: pink tongue tipped in the glass, unblinking eyes watching him as he watched her. “Where shall I sit?” she asked after a long moment.
Roger took a chance. He sank down into the only chair in the room and patted his knee. The girl smiled as she wiggled herself into position. “This why you only got one chair?” she murmured into his ear. Each sipped at their drink; neither spoke. Roger held the girl close and felt her snuggle in, sighing. It was his perfect, golden moment and if Jean had busted him right there and then, no punishment could have cancelled out the pleasure of it.
“Hey, these are just like mine,” the girl said, picking up the binoculars from the box beside the chair. She giggled and said, “Wanta know a secret, Mr. Wilson?” Roger nodded, and the girl said, “I can see into your bedroom with these babies,” thrilling him.
He managed to say, “See anything interesting?” while his fingers spread against her ribcage, lightly grazing one breast. She didn’t seem to mind. She smiled, but she said nothing. Roger’s heart rose high in his chest--she must be able to hear this, it’s so loud, he thought. He carefully rubbed her arm and said in a hoarse whisper, “Maybe you could call me Roger, since you know all about me.”
“Oh no, I could never do that,” the girl exclaimed. “Well, I could call you Uncle, I guess.” She saw his face fall, and she slid off his lap quickly with a little smirk. “Well, I better go get some beauty sleep. Thanks for keeping me company, Mr. Wilson.” She yanked at her shorts unselfconsciously and, not expecting him to see her to the door, let herself out.
But the light didn’t come on, and Roger stayed rooted to the spot like some clueless Romeo. When he smelled cigarette smoke, he couldn’t identify its source. The girl’s voice, “Whatcha doin’, Mr. Wilson?” startled him. She stepped off the porch and showed herself in the moonlight.
Grateful for the dark, Roger could feel the flush start up in his face. He stammered a little as he tried to make a believable answer, something that would let him hang on to his dignity. “I was just looking at the stars when I heard you get in. Did something happen-?” She shuffled a step closer to him and replied, “Oh, you know-- it’s always the same with guys. They only want the one thing.” She sighed, scowled at her bare feet for a moment before brightening. “Want a ciggie? I’m supposed to quit so you gotta promise not to tell.” She held out her smokes to Roger. Maybe she’ll light it for me.. Maybe touch my hand. “Who would I tell?” he said softly. They smoked for a few minutes while Roger’s brain raced back and forth over an incoherent plan. Finally he blurted out, “Want to have a drink with me?” and she rewarded him with her wide-mouthed smile and a nod. Roger happily opened the door to his ‘apartment’ and mumbled, “Now you have to promise not to tell.”
The girl gushed, “Could this place be any cooler? You got all your necessaries and none of your aggravations.” Roger handed her a glass with a little gin in it. He watched her lap at the liquid like a cat: pink tongue tipped in the glass, unblinking eyes watching him as he watched her. “Where shall I sit?” she asked after a long moment.
Roger took a chance. He sank down into the only chair in the room and patted his knee. The girl smiled as she wiggled herself into position. “This why you only got one chair?” she murmured into his ear. Each sipped at their drink; neither spoke. Roger held the girl close and felt her snuggle in, sighing. It was his perfect, golden moment and if Jean had busted him right there and then, no punishment could have cancelled out the pleasure of it.
“Hey, these are just like mine,” the girl said, picking up the binoculars from the box beside the chair. She giggled and said, “Wanta know a secret, Mr. Wilson?” Roger nodded, and the girl said, “I can see into your bedroom with these babies,” thrilling him.
He managed to say, “See anything interesting?” while his fingers spread against her ribcage, lightly grazing one breast. She didn’t seem to mind. She smiled, but she said nothing. Roger’s heart rose high in his chest--she must be able to hear this, it’s so loud, he thought. He carefully rubbed her arm and said in a hoarse whisper, “Maybe you could call me Roger, since you know all about me.”
“Oh no, I could never do that,” the girl exclaimed. “Well, I could call you Uncle, I guess.” She saw his face fall, and she slid off his lap quickly with a little smirk. “Well, I better go get some beauty sleep. Thanks for keeping me company, Mr. Wilson.” She yanked at her shorts unselfconsciously and, not expecting him to see her to the door, let herself out.
Roger sat there paralyzed, transfixed. He
watched a spider spinning its web; he tried to learn the lesson, apply it to
his own life somehow. But thinking things through had never really worked for
Roger. Life went better when he took it for granted a little. So he picked up
his harmonica and played until the cool pink dawn grew gold and warm. He played
as the light bounced off the insulation and turned the room silver.
When he heard Jean’s footfalls above his head, for the first time in a long while he remembered what he liked about her. Memories that had been lodged in his brain like a metal plate loosened now, surfacing as if they were lyrics. When she appeared before him he had the sensation of being rescued.
Jean held out his favorite old cardigan to him. “Felt a chill in the air this morning,” she said, her voice steely and business-like. “Think we beat the heat wave?” He saw the hard question in her eyes so he took a chance. He held out his hand to her, let her lead him up the steps. Behind them, the basement filled with morning light; it shimmered like a mirage.
When he heard Jean’s footfalls above his head, for the first time in a long while he remembered what he liked about her. Memories that had been lodged in his brain like a metal plate loosened now, surfacing as if they were lyrics. When she appeared before him he had the sensation of being rescued.
Jean held out his favorite old cardigan to him. “Felt a chill in the air this morning,” she said, her voice steely and business-like. “Think we beat the heat wave?” He saw the hard question in her eyes so he took a chance. He held out his hand to her, let her lead him up the steps. Behind them, the basement filled with morning light; it shimmered like a mirage.
-first published in Eclectica
Thursday, November 26, 2015
Saturday, September 26, 2015
Recent Good News
I'm happy to say that my poem Streamers,published in The Inflectionist Review #4 has been nominated for the Sundress Best of the Net Anthology, 2015.
The poem was also collected in my sister's and my book Geometries from Moria Books. Many thanks to the editors and publishers involved.
Also, I have work in two magazines, The Eunoia Review, and Autumn Sky Poetry Daily. Much gratitude to the editors.
Back to work!
The poem was also collected in my sister's and my book Geometries from Moria Books. Many thanks to the editors and publishers involved.
Also, I have work in two magazines, The Eunoia Review, and Autumn Sky Poetry Daily. Much gratitude to the editors.
Back to work!
Sunday, July 05, 2015
Melancholy Hyperbole
The Tao of Folding, my prose poem, was sparked by this drawing by Janet
and is up at Melancholy Hyperbole today. They feature work about longing. You should check them out.
and is up at Melancholy Hyperbole today. They feature work about longing. You should check them out.Thursday, July 02, 2015
Sunday, May 24, 2015
The Inflectionist Review
Cheryl has two poems in the new Inflectionist Review. These are the drawings that sparked those poems. Thanks to Janet for the inspiration, and to John Sibley Williams for publishing the poems.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
New!
GEOMETRIES
by Janet and Cheryl Snell
ISBN: 9780991212170
Price: $20
53 pages
Publisher: Moria Books
free pdf
print copies
About the Book
GEOMETRIES pairs
expressionist drawings with lyric narratives, exploring the intersection of art
and writing from different points of view, sometimes from a character in the
drawing, sometimes from the emotional distance of the poet making a
representation of a representation. The pieces navigate a territory whose
boundaries merge –– grief into consolation, logic to fantasy,
attraction to detachment, and the
creators’ shared sense of melancholy layers the whole in the varied ways meaning is made.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Yellow Chair Review
Thanks to the hard work of the staff and editor, the first issue of Yellow Chair Review is out. We're in it, so check us out! And submit for next time--they let you know within a month.
Monday, May 11, 2015
New from Moria Books
GEOMETRIES
by Janet and Cheryl Snell
ISBN: 9780991212170
Price: $20
53 pages
Publisher: Moria Books
free pdf
print copies
About the Book
GEOMETRIES pairs
expressionist drawings with lyric narratives, exploring the intersection of art
and writing from different points of view, sometimes from a character in the
drawing, sometimes from the emotional distance of the poet making a
representation of a representation. The pieces navigate a territory whose
boundaries merge –– grief into consolation, logic to fantasy,
attraction to detachment, and the
creators’ shared sense of melancholy layers the whole in the varied ways meaning is made.
Wednesday, May 06, 2015
Idea
It needs a sharp pencil.
A fountain pen. Cookies.
No, not that kind. Some coffee.
Or milk. Both! It concentrates better
with the TV on, sound off. But first,
it wants a bath. And a nap. A walk
in the woods. Dinner would be nice,
but a movie might confuse it, saturate it
with symbols that swell within dreams
and come to sit on your chest at 3AM,
nightshirt pounding, notebook held
just out of reach.
Monday, April 27, 2015
Short Story
|
Dad was not dead, but
Mom decided to give him a funeral anyway. “He’s dead to us,” she said. We were sitting in the back yard at the
ragged end of the day, watching the darkening sky toss up handfuls of stars.
Mom shook her red halo of hair, and gathered the edges of her blouse together
with her fist. “I’ll stuff a coffin with clothes and fake-books. I’ll slap the
lid shut with some double paradiddles.” She drummed on her glass.
“He’ll get tired of her.” I offered
it like a prayer, prayed without faith. It had been two weeks since he’d taken
off, and it didn’t look like he was coming back.
“Not this time,” she whispered. “Look, a liar’s moon.” A hoarse laugh died in the long, smooth throat that always smelled of lilies. She stared with her wide green eyes at the badminton net Dad had put up the summer before last. My friend Carrie and I had played every evening as our parents watched us, drinks in hand. Dad kept his sunglasses on the whole time. He was hiding something, and we all knew it.
He had taken up with other women before, disappearing backstage to call his latest, past caring that Mom was in the audience. The musicians took advantage of his absence, filling in all the spaces around her, vying for the privilege of fetching her drinks. Something in her movement, in her long-limbed body, encouraged them, and they elbowed each other out of the way, snarling insults you’d have to be a musician to get. Their interest had a smell, and it made me dizzy.
“They act like they have a chance,” I scoffed, one night. “But you love Dad, right?”
“It’s complicated,” Mom answered slowly. Her green eyes bore into my blue ones. “Some day you’ll understand.”
The one night she let one of the men I’d called Uncle all my life lead her to the stage, changed everything. She’d been a singer when she met my father, but he shut her down as soon as she got pregnant with me. She bloomed under that spotlight, her hair on fire, the sound coming out of her throat low, sultry, hypnotic. It brought Dad out from behind the black curtain, and suddenly he was hovering over her as if the song was all his idea. Bronze curls grazing his forehead, the cords in his neck strained as he blew into the swinging brass fish.
The last note had hardly died when Dad turned his back to his wife, and cued the musicians for the next piece. The applause meant for Mom was severed like an artery. She stumbled back to our table, tripping on a step, and I rose from my seat to help her. I caught Dad’s eye for a second, and didn’t like what I saw.
Through the smoky haze, Mom and I pulled each other into the ladies’ room. “Don’t ever fall for it,” she cried. “Love is only what you see in yourself, reflected in his eyes.” Her theories had never made sense to me. Other people were happy together. Sometimes she and Dad were too, the seethe of soft murmurs under their bedroom door proof enough of that.
Tears finally dried, Mom repaired her beautiful face, becoming even more beautiful in the mirror. She rolled mascara on her already thick lashes, reddened her already red lips, pinched her already pink cheeks. She hummed a few bars of “Satin Doll,” then asked, “How do I look? Better than your Barbie?” I thought of the doll with the scale stuck at 105, and nodded. Mom fluffed her orange hair out over her shoulders and opened the black-painted door to the place where she always came in second.
Her moment onstage marked the end of her marriage, but she didn’t know that yet. Dad left the following week, and Mom took to her bed. She wouldn’t move. She would not get up. A layer of dust settled on her bedside table thick enough to draw an SOS in. A bag of capsized potato chips listed on Dad’s side of the bed. Curled in on herself, she stared at her shelf of boxed Mattel dolls. She had often joked about her “dowry,” but determined long ago that “These dolls will pay for your college.”
There were Barbies and Kens and Skippers and Midges. Some had Dream Kitchens, others had careers. My favorite was Astronaut Barbie, although I had never been allowed to touch her. Babysitter Barbie was the only doll let out of the box for me. Losing value, I suppose.
“I read once that ‘the overriding desire of most children is to get at and see the soul of their toys’,” Mom told me when, at seven, I asked why she didn’t let me play with the others. “Some writer claimed that when children realize that their dolls are inanimate that their toys have no souls at all, they grow disgusted with them. I’m trying to spare you that disappointment.”
Who would spare her? Every evening, when I eased her into the tub filled with pink bubbles, she looked exactly like one of those dolls, staring from behind a cellophane window, messed up from some little brother’s abuse.
Mom’s eyes had burned out in their sockets. There was no light in them anywhere, and I couldn’t bear to look anymore. The way her hair fanned out from her head, the color of lit matches, fascinated me for some reason, so I kept my eyes there. “I’ve wasted my life,” she whispered.
I sat on the edge of the tub and washed her back. When she had enough of that, she sank below the surface of the water. I began to count. When I reached four, she burst through the bubbles with a gasp. How was I to know that she held a safety razor in her fist? I had hidden all the sharp things---scissors, nail files, razors, knives--- and locked them in a drawer. When had she broken in? She began to saw the dull blade across her wrist as if I wasn’t there. I grabbed it away from her, too horrified to speak. “What the hell?” I said.
“Is she nuts or what?” my neighbor Carrie said. She had come over with some groceries, and we were unpacking them.
“What am I supposed to do now, commit her?” I was only half serious.
“Well, if you tell anyone, they’ll have to cart her off. Why don’t you try to distract her? Come to dinner.”
“Want to?” I asked Mom a few minutes later. She sat up against the headboard and nodded a little, so I picked a pink dress from her closet that would make her skin look less dead. She raised her arms, keeping her wrist thickly painted with iodine away from the fabric as I dropped it over her. She looked fragile and doomed in the dress, like Monroe in that famous photograph, pink pooling around her, bare feet, toes- in.
While I rang the neighbor’s bell, Mom yanked up some of Mrs. Smith’s own tulips from the side garden before I could stop her She was still shaking earth from the roots when Mrs. Smith opened the door.
The vandalized flowers might have started the evening off roughly, but Mrs. Smith repotted her red tulips while the roast overcooked in the oven. “Tulips communicate with pheromones,” she said, fluffing the lipstick petals. I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me, or just talking. “They send each other warnings about hungry deer or rampaging hands.” She carried the flowers to the table, patting the pot like a child’s back.
Mom sat still and erect in her chair, a knife in her hand. She had not yet uttered a word. “How are things at the cafe?” Mrs. Smith asked me, sawing through a piece of meat. Both Carrie and I worked at the Ugly Mug Cafe, where my parents used to take me after gigs. All through my childhood, I’d lean against Mom’s shoulder, only half awake, listening to the tired musicians rehash the night’s performance. Once, a vandal broke in and painted the ceiling black, studding it with stick-on stars. I remember looking up at the damage and wishing on those stars: make everything stay.
Mom said softly, “I used to order eggs Benedict, and gave you the first forkful.” I reached out and held her hand. Carrie’s dad Hank stared at us. Fat, transparent tears began to roll down his cheeks.
“There are three ways a person can change their happiness set-point.” Mrs. Smith drummed her fingers on the table to get us to pay attention. Her tone, dry and crackling, told me she was out of sympathy for her husband. Maybe he did a lot of crying, and she was sick of trying to figure out the whys and wherefores. This walk down Memory Lane was a dead end for her, a backfire. “There are exercises in gratitude, in kindness, and in optimism. But you have to keep doing them. I read it in the Scientific American.”
“Does it say anything about music and happiness?” Hank, all bravado suddenly, pulled out his harmonica and began to play “Satin Doll.” Mrs. Smith bolted for the kitchen, hands to her ears. Confused, I looked at Mom for a clue. Her smile broke out like the sun, and the sight burned me.
A moment later, Mom stood up, sending her chair crashing. It was time to go. Hank escorted us out, his elbow crooked for my mother’s hand. I turned halfway around on the porch, and caught him tracing the scratches on Mom’s wrist. Tears started in his eyes again, and she reached up to stroke his cheek.
It was Hank, not Carrie, who extended the next invitation. When we got to the house, he was standing over the stove with a ladle, ready to offer a taste to my mother. She licked the sauce off the spoon like a cat.
The kitchen was too small to hold so many people, and every time Hank met with my mother’s body or her intense gaze, his face filled up with color. When we finally sat down to dinner, nobody spoke. It was so quiet that when a bough from one of the maples snapped off just outside the dining room, every one of us jumped. Mrs. Smith went to the window to see the extent of the damage. Two of the bigger limbs cradled the broken limb. “One good wind could still bring it down,” she said.
“This sucks.” We were in Carrie’s bathroom, doing our nails Pepto–Pink to match our Ugly Mug uniforms. I felt the color was a lie. I did not feel at all pink. I watched Carrie separate her toes with cotton, and stroke her nails with polish. “Suck it up, then.” She nodded at her pack of cigarettes. I lit two and stuck hers in her face, and then slid down beside her on the tile. We had been complaining about nothing, while avoiding all mention of her father and my mother
“Did you know my parents bought two burial plots at the cemetery for Valentine’s Day?” I said.
“What kind of a Valentine is that?” she complained, swiping her toenail with a slash of color. “It’s so Goth.”
I thought it was romantic, but I couldn’t say so after that. “Here, it’s a screw top.” Carrie took a bottle of beer out of my hand and wrenched it open like a change of subject.
“Hey, did I ever tell you how Dad’s uncle went to live up in the attic during most of the eighties?” She was picking up where she’d left on the last time we talked. “He’d come home from work and go straight up there, turn up the radio and cook on his hotplate.”
“There’s no connection to a man who escapes to an attic for years because he’s depressed and a man who spends time in a basement rec room to practice harmonica.” I didn’t like it when she tried to shrink Hank for wanting to be alone sometimes.
We passed the bottle back and forth for a few minutes before I set it in the v of my legs, so I could pull a tulip out of my pocket. I’d taken it from the porch where Mom had dropped it on that first visit to the Smiths. I wanted to fix it, to give back to Mrs. Smith what belonged to her. But it was no more than a ball of shed petals now. I placed the pastel clump gently beside the bottle and unwound my body from the floor. I opened the medicine chest. “Whacha looking for?’ Carrie wondered.
“Some red nail polish to mend this tulip.”
“Omigod! She wants it to match! You’re not going to press it in a book or something corny like that, are you?” I didn’t answer. I tried to get the limp stalk stiff enough to hold up the flower head. I kept at it as if my future depended on it.
“Not this time,” she whispered. “Look, a liar’s moon.” A hoarse laugh died in the long, smooth throat that always smelled of lilies. She stared with her wide green eyes at the badminton net Dad had put up the summer before last. My friend Carrie and I had played every evening as our parents watched us, drinks in hand. Dad kept his sunglasses on the whole time. He was hiding something, and we all knew it.
He had taken up with other women before, disappearing backstage to call his latest, past caring that Mom was in the audience. The musicians took advantage of his absence, filling in all the spaces around her, vying for the privilege of fetching her drinks. Something in her movement, in her long-limbed body, encouraged them, and they elbowed each other out of the way, snarling insults you’d have to be a musician to get. Their interest had a smell, and it made me dizzy.
“They act like they have a chance,” I scoffed, one night. “But you love Dad, right?”
“It’s complicated,” Mom answered slowly. Her green eyes bore into my blue ones. “Some day you’ll understand.”
The one night she let one of the men I’d called Uncle all my life lead her to the stage, changed everything. She’d been a singer when she met my father, but he shut her down as soon as she got pregnant with me. She bloomed under that spotlight, her hair on fire, the sound coming out of her throat low, sultry, hypnotic. It brought Dad out from behind the black curtain, and suddenly he was hovering over her as if the song was all his idea. Bronze curls grazing his forehead, the cords in his neck strained as he blew into the swinging brass fish.
The last note had hardly died when Dad turned his back to his wife, and cued the musicians for the next piece. The applause meant for Mom was severed like an artery. She stumbled back to our table, tripping on a step, and I rose from my seat to help her. I caught Dad’s eye for a second, and didn’t like what I saw.
Through the smoky haze, Mom and I pulled each other into the ladies’ room. “Don’t ever fall for it,” she cried. “Love is only what you see in yourself, reflected in his eyes.” Her theories had never made sense to me. Other people were happy together. Sometimes she and Dad were too, the seethe of soft murmurs under their bedroom door proof enough of that.
Tears finally dried, Mom repaired her beautiful face, becoming even more beautiful in the mirror. She rolled mascara on her already thick lashes, reddened her already red lips, pinched her already pink cheeks. She hummed a few bars of “Satin Doll,” then asked, “How do I look? Better than your Barbie?” I thought of the doll with the scale stuck at 105, and nodded. Mom fluffed her orange hair out over her shoulders and opened the black-painted door to the place where she always came in second.
Her moment onstage marked the end of her marriage, but she didn’t know that yet. Dad left the following week, and Mom took to her bed. She wouldn’t move. She would not get up. A layer of dust settled on her bedside table thick enough to draw an SOS in. A bag of capsized potato chips listed on Dad’s side of the bed. Curled in on herself, she stared at her shelf of boxed Mattel dolls. She had often joked about her “dowry,” but determined long ago that “These dolls will pay for your college.”
There were Barbies and Kens and Skippers and Midges. Some had Dream Kitchens, others had careers. My favorite was Astronaut Barbie, although I had never been allowed to touch her. Babysitter Barbie was the only doll let out of the box for me. Losing value, I suppose.
“I read once that ‘the overriding desire of most children is to get at and see the soul of their toys’,” Mom told me when, at seven, I asked why she didn’t let me play with the others. “Some writer claimed that when children realize that their dolls are inanimate that their toys have no souls at all, they grow disgusted with them. I’m trying to spare you that disappointment.”
Who would spare her? Every evening, when I eased her into the tub filled with pink bubbles, she looked exactly like one of those dolls, staring from behind a cellophane window, messed up from some little brother’s abuse.
Mom’s eyes had burned out in their sockets. There was no light in them anywhere, and I couldn’t bear to look anymore. The way her hair fanned out from her head, the color of lit matches, fascinated me for some reason, so I kept my eyes there. “I’ve wasted my life,” she whispered.
I sat on the edge of the tub and washed her back. When she had enough of that, she sank below the surface of the water. I began to count. When I reached four, she burst through the bubbles with a gasp. How was I to know that she held a safety razor in her fist? I had hidden all the sharp things---scissors, nail files, razors, knives--- and locked them in a drawer. When had she broken in? She began to saw the dull blade across her wrist as if I wasn’t there. I grabbed it away from her, too horrified to speak. “What the hell?” I said.
“Is she nuts or what?” my neighbor Carrie said. She had come over with some groceries, and we were unpacking them.
“What am I supposed to do now, commit her?” I was only half serious.
“Well, if you tell anyone, they’ll have to cart her off. Why don’t you try to distract her? Come to dinner.”
“Want to?” I asked Mom a few minutes later. She sat up against the headboard and nodded a little, so I picked a pink dress from her closet that would make her skin look less dead. She raised her arms, keeping her wrist thickly painted with iodine away from the fabric as I dropped it over her. She looked fragile and doomed in the dress, like Monroe in that famous photograph, pink pooling around her, bare feet, toes- in.
While I rang the neighbor’s bell, Mom yanked up some of Mrs. Smith’s own tulips from the side garden before I could stop her She was still shaking earth from the roots when Mrs. Smith opened the door.
The vandalized flowers might have started the evening off roughly, but Mrs. Smith repotted her red tulips while the roast overcooked in the oven. “Tulips communicate with pheromones,” she said, fluffing the lipstick petals. I wasn’t sure if she was talking to me, or just talking. “They send each other warnings about hungry deer or rampaging hands.” She carried the flowers to the table, patting the pot like a child’s back.
Mom sat still and erect in her chair, a knife in her hand. She had not yet uttered a word. “How are things at the cafe?” Mrs. Smith asked me, sawing through a piece of meat. Both Carrie and I worked at the Ugly Mug Cafe, where my parents used to take me after gigs. All through my childhood, I’d lean against Mom’s shoulder, only half awake, listening to the tired musicians rehash the night’s performance. Once, a vandal broke in and painted the ceiling black, studding it with stick-on stars. I remember looking up at the damage and wishing on those stars: make everything stay.
Mom said softly, “I used to order eggs Benedict, and gave you the first forkful.” I reached out and held her hand. Carrie’s dad Hank stared at us. Fat, transparent tears began to roll down his cheeks.
“There are three ways a person can change their happiness set-point.” Mrs. Smith drummed her fingers on the table to get us to pay attention. Her tone, dry and crackling, told me she was out of sympathy for her husband. Maybe he did a lot of crying, and she was sick of trying to figure out the whys and wherefores. This walk down Memory Lane was a dead end for her, a backfire. “There are exercises in gratitude, in kindness, and in optimism. But you have to keep doing them. I read it in the Scientific American.”
“Does it say anything about music and happiness?” Hank, all bravado suddenly, pulled out his harmonica and began to play “Satin Doll.” Mrs. Smith bolted for the kitchen, hands to her ears. Confused, I looked at Mom for a clue. Her smile broke out like the sun, and the sight burned me.
A moment later, Mom stood up, sending her chair crashing. It was time to go. Hank escorted us out, his elbow crooked for my mother’s hand. I turned halfway around on the porch, and caught him tracing the scratches on Mom’s wrist. Tears started in his eyes again, and she reached up to stroke his cheek.
It was Hank, not Carrie, who extended the next invitation. When we got to the house, he was standing over the stove with a ladle, ready to offer a taste to my mother. She licked the sauce off the spoon like a cat.
The kitchen was too small to hold so many people, and every time Hank met with my mother’s body or her intense gaze, his face filled up with color. When we finally sat down to dinner, nobody spoke. It was so quiet that when a bough from one of the maples snapped off just outside the dining room, every one of us jumped. Mrs. Smith went to the window to see the extent of the damage. Two of the bigger limbs cradled the broken limb. “One good wind could still bring it down,” she said.
“This sucks.” We were in Carrie’s bathroom, doing our nails Pepto–Pink to match our Ugly Mug uniforms. I felt the color was a lie. I did not feel at all pink. I watched Carrie separate her toes with cotton, and stroke her nails with polish. “Suck it up, then.” She nodded at her pack of cigarettes. I lit two and stuck hers in her face, and then slid down beside her on the tile. We had been complaining about nothing, while avoiding all mention of her father and my mother
“Did you know my parents bought two burial plots at the cemetery for Valentine’s Day?” I said.
“What kind of a Valentine is that?” she complained, swiping her toenail with a slash of color. “It’s so Goth.”
I thought it was romantic, but I couldn’t say so after that. “Here, it’s a screw top.” Carrie took a bottle of beer out of my hand and wrenched it open like a change of subject.
“Hey, did I ever tell you how Dad’s uncle went to live up in the attic during most of the eighties?” She was picking up where she’d left on the last time we talked. “He’d come home from work and go straight up there, turn up the radio and cook on his hotplate.”
“There’s no connection to a man who escapes to an attic for years because he’s depressed and a man who spends time in a basement rec room to practice harmonica.” I didn’t like it when she tried to shrink Hank for wanting to be alone sometimes.
We passed the bottle back and forth for a few minutes before I set it in the v of my legs, so I could pull a tulip out of my pocket. I’d taken it from the porch where Mom had dropped it on that first visit to the Smiths. I wanted to fix it, to give back to Mrs. Smith what belonged to her. But it was no more than a ball of shed petals now. I placed the pastel clump gently beside the bottle and unwound my body from the floor. I opened the medicine chest. “Whacha looking for?’ Carrie wondered.
“Some red nail polish to mend this tulip.”
“Omigod! She wants it to match! You’re not going to press it in a book or something corny like that, are you?” I didn’t answer. I tried to get the limp stalk stiff enough to hold up the flower head. I kept at it as if my future depended on it.
At home, Mom had perked up. She hummed “Satin Doll” while she replaced
the scissors and knives in their rightful drawers. I was glad about her
progress, but I didn’t trust it. I had a sour feeling every time Hank called
again to invite us over. Mom got too excited. Her cheeks flushed, her eyes
glittered. It took her an hour to decide what to wear.
“What about this?” she asked, holding up a short black sheath. “Dangerous enough?” I made my face blank. I wasn’t about to encourage her.
“You know, I’m not feeling very well, “I said, touching my hand to my forehead. Mom leaned over me and touched my cheek.
“You are a little feverish,” she lied. “I’ll go by myself.”
I wasn’t expecting that. I thought she would simply cancel, but Mom floated out the door in a cloud of lily perfume a few minutes later. I watched her from my window, witnessed the yellow lozenge of light in the basement next door rise to the main floor. It was only a pale circle, but it hurt my eyes. When is the dark, dark enough?
One night, I found Mom sitting cross-legged in Dad’s chair, a score spread across her knees. She was listening to the stack of recordings he had left behind, his precious discs strewn all over the floor. She listened intently, breaking out in snatches of song from time to time. When she saw me standing there, she pulled the headphones off, and without warning, started to cry. I knelt beside her, put my arm around her shaking shoulders and said, “What’s wrong?” She jerked her finger at the CDs. It was one of Dad’s demos. He’d never had a real record made. This was as far as he had got in his life.
“How can I have denied my talent for someone so unworthy of me?” she cried. I had no answer for her. I held her for a long while, then got up to turn on the lamps, trying to snap her out of her mood. Her eyes watered in the weak pools of amber.
There was an unfamiliar book on the table, a catalogue on antiques turned to the section on Barbie dolls. “Hank tells me that Barbie in Midnight Red sells for $25000 at auction. That’s a lot of voice lessons.”
The following Saturday afternoon, I saw Mom at the farmer’s market. She was leaning over a display of tomatoes, and there was Hank, pulling her hair back so she could get a good whiff. I noticed the roses in my mother’s cheeks. She no longer looked like a person who only lived at night.
I ducked behind a crate of vegetables and followed the two of them from stall to stall. They stopped to feed each other food I had no idea my mother liked. Maybe she didn’t. She was capable of acting a part to get the response she wanted. That’s why she wanted to sing in front of an audience. “You can make people feel what you want them to,” she told me. Up to a point, I silently argued---the point where they leave you.
Mom picked out a dogwood sapling and let Hank pay for it. She wanted to carry it, and Hank, finding his hands free, reached into his pocket to pull out his harmonica. “Satin Doll” again, and my mother threw back her head, laughing. She began to sing, and a delighted crowd gathered. Hank beamed as much as he could, what with the little instrument in his face.
Later, Mom carried the thin tree over to Mrs. Smith. The two women stood on the lawn separating their houses, under a liar’s moon. “I thought you might like this,” I heard Mom say.
“I must get it in the ground right away,” Mrs. Smith said. Mom offered to help bury it, but Mrs. Smith waved her away.
That night, I was awakened by music. I went down the stairs glazed with moonlight, and looked into the backyard. The music came again---not a harmonica this time, or birdsong. It was the tinny sound of my father’s demo tape. I let the crackling melody pull me into the yard. Across the bushes that separated our houses, I saw Mom dancing in her white nightgown with Hank, barefoot on the grass. They looked as if they’d been moving together all their lives, their bodies curved into each other like an old habit. I wondered if she sensed me there, witnessing Hank fall in love with her. I watched as she turned in the direction of her skid.
A few weeks later, Mom was in the bathroom practicing scales. She had started taking lessons, and was improving fast, practicing endless vocalizations and exercises. Her voice had been soft and scratchy at first, as if she had no faith in it. But I had faith in her, and knew she would get better and better.
The doorbell rang I opened the door. There was, Hank standing on the welcome mat, grinning. “Great news!” he said, but before he could explain, Mom rustled in. She pushed in front of me, and pulled Hank inside with one hand. The other hand held her silk dressing gown closed.
Hank had managed to get Mom gigs at several Holiday Inns. “So he’s your manager now?” We were in a dingy gray Green Room, and Mom was making up her face in the wavy mirror.
“He’s not charging a percentage.” A look of confusion, or guilt, passed over Mom’s face. “But he is coming on the road with me.” Her lips stretched out in a stubborn thin line. She would not look at me while she zipped herself into her black sheath. She kept her eyes on her reflection in the mirror. The subject was closed. I was on my own.
Weeks passed, and the house needed repairs. I didn’t know what else to do, so I sold some Barbies to pay for them. I would have liked to ask Mom’s advice, but she never called. I was just about convinced that I wouldn’t recognize her voice anymore, anyway, when I heard it by chance on the radio. She was singing a song about freedom, and each word stung me.
All at once, summer came again, and the people were suddenly always outdoors, grilling on the barbeques and playing like kids. One evening, I happened to catch a glimpse of Carrie in her backyard. I waved. She ignored me. Not my fault, not my fault, my brain screamed. When she was close enough to hear me, I said, “Here, grab a racket.” She stared at me. I thought she would turn away and go back into her house, but instead, she followed me to the badminton net. I stumbled toward it with a bad serve. Carrie stood on the other side, legs apart, slapping her racket against her thigh. She let my little missile whiz past her, and all at once she was tearing at the netting, knocking the poles down, throwing fistfuls of fabric around the yard.
I tried to get near her. She waved me away. It took her a minute to calm down, and I must have held my breath that whole time. Finally, we sank into the lawn chairs, heads tilted as if we both expected the sound of a harmonica to crawl across some unfathomable distance. The stars shone on our darkening houses. “They look so small,” she whispered.
We watched the night swallow the neighborhood. There was no moon. When the dark was dark enough, I answered, “They feel enormous.”
“What about this?” she asked, holding up a short black sheath. “Dangerous enough?” I made my face blank. I wasn’t about to encourage her.
“You know, I’m not feeling very well, “I said, touching my hand to my forehead. Mom leaned over me and touched my cheek.
“You are a little feverish,” she lied. “I’ll go by myself.”
I wasn’t expecting that. I thought she would simply cancel, but Mom floated out the door in a cloud of lily perfume a few minutes later. I watched her from my window, witnessed the yellow lozenge of light in the basement next door rise to the main floor. It was only a pale circle, but it hurt my eyes. When is the dark, dark enough?
One night, I found Mom sitting cross-legged in Dad’s chair, a score spread across her knees. She was listening to the stack of recordings he had left behind, his precious discs strewn all over the floor. She listened intently, breaking out in snatches of song from time to time. When she saw me standing there, she pulled the headphones off, and without warning, started to cry. I knelt beside her, put my arm around her shaking shoulders and said, “What’s wrong?” She jerked her finger at the CDs. It was one of Dad’s demos. He’d never had a real record made. This was as far as he had got in his life.
“How can I have denied my talent for someone so unworthy of me?” she cried. I had no answer for her. I held her for a long while, then got up to turn on the lamps, trying to snap her out of her mood. Her eyes watered in the weak pools of amber.
There was an unfamiliar book on the table, a catalogue on antiques turned to the section on Barbie dolls. “Hank tells me that Barbie in Midnight Red sells for $25000 at auction. That’s a lot of voice lessons.”
The following Saturday afternoon, I saw Mom at the farmer’s market. She was leaning over a display of tomatoes, and there was Hank, pulling her hair back so she could get a good whiff. I noticed the roses in my mother’s cheeks. She no longer looked like a person who only lived at night.
I ducked behind a crate of vegetables and followed the two of them from stall to stall. They stopped to feed each other food I had no idea my mother liked. Maybe she didn’t. She was capable of acting a part to get the response she wanted. That’s why she wanted to sing in front of an audience. “You can make people feel what you want them to,” she told me. Up to a point, I silently argued---the point where they leave you.
Mom picked out a dogwood sapling and let Hank pay for it. She wanted to carry it, and Hank, finding his hands free, reached into his pocket to pull out his harmonica. “Satin Doll” again, and my mother threw back her head, laughing. She began to sing, and a delighted crowd gathered. Hank beamed as much as he could, what with the little instrument in his face.
Later, Mom carried the thin tree over to Mrs. Smith. The two women stood on the lawn separating their houses, under a liar’s moon. “I thought you might like this,” I heard Mom say.
“I must get it in the ground right away,” Mrs. Smith said. Mom offered to help bury it, but Mrs. Smith waved her away.
That night, I was awakened by music. I went down the stairs glazed with moonlight, and looked into the backyard. The music came again---not a harmonica this time, or birdsong. It was the tinny sound of my father’s demo tape. I let the crackling melody pull me into the yard. Across the bushes that separated our houses, I saw Mom dancing in her white nightgown with Hank, barefoot on the grass. They looked as if they’d been moving together all their lives, their bodies curved into each other like an old habit. I wondered if she sensed me there, witnessing Hank fall in love with her. I watched as she turned in the direction of her skid.
A few weeks later, Mom was in the bathroom practicing scales. She had started taking lessons, and was improving fast, practicing endless vocalizations and exercises. Her voice had been soft and scratchy at first, as if she had no faith in it. But I had faith in her, and knew she would get better and better.
The doorbell rang I opened the door. There was, Hank standing on the welcome mat, grinning. “Great news!” he said, but before he could explain, Mom rustled in. She pushed in front of me, and pulled Hank inside with one hand. The other hand held her silk dressing gown closed.
Hank had managed to get Mom gigs at several Holiday Inns. “So he’s your manager now?” We were in a dingy gray Green Room, and Mom was making up her face in the wavy mirror.
“He’s not charging a percentage.” A look of confusion, or guilt, passed over Mom’s face. “But he is coming on the road with me.” Her lips stretched out in a stubborn thin line. She would not look at me while she zipped herself into her black sheath. She kept her eyes on her reflection in the mirror. The subject was closed. I was on my own.
Weeks passed, and the house needed repairs. I didn’t know what else to do, so I sold some Barbies to pay for them. I would have liked to ask Mom’s advice, but she never called. I was just about convinced that I wouldn’t recognize her voice anymore, anyway, when I heard it by chance on the radio. She was singing a song about freedom, and each word stung me.
All at once, summer came again, and the people were suddenly always outdoors, grilling on the barbeques and playing like kids. One evening, I happened to catch a glimpse of Carrie in her backyard. I waved. She ignored me. Not my fault, not my fault, my brain screamed. When she was close enough to hear me, I said, “Here, grab a racket.” She stared at me. I thought she would turn away and go back into her house, but instead, she followed me to the badminton net. I stumbled toward it with a bad serve. Carrie stood on the other side, legs apart, slapping her racket against her thigh. She let my little missile whiz past her, and all at once she was tearing at the netting, knocking the poles down, throwing fistfuls of fabric around the yard.
I tried to get near her. She waved me away. It took her a minute to calm down, and I must have held my breath that whole time. Finally, we sank into the lawn chairs, heads tilted as if we both expected the sound of a harmonica to crawl across some unfathomable distance. The stars shone on our darkening houses. “They look so small,” she whispered.
We watched the night swallow the neighborhood. There was no moon. When the dark was dark enough, I answered, “They feel enormous.”
--first appeared in Scissors & Spackle
--from the collection "Variations on a Theme with Harmonica"
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